After acknowledging how actions tied to their addictions had a negative impact on people in their lives, those in 12-step recovery programs commit to making direct amends whenever possible. Remember, this is a Twelve Step process that can provide a platform for healing, but the person we are reaching out to may not be at the same place in healing as we are. We are only in control of our part—making and living the amends. As with alcohol and other drugs, we are also powerless over other people.

Navigating the Process of Making Amends in Recovery

For many who lived in addiction, apologizing was a regular habit. Whether it was apologizing for being late for work, missing an event, misusing property or stealing money to support an addiction, expressing remorse was likely a daily occurrence. The guilt may have been real, but the apology didn’t come with lasting change. After years of being bossy and overbearing, my basic apologies meant little. They don’t always see my hands off approach as sincere kindness, but my motives are pure.

Step 9: The Best 5 Tips for Living Amends

Amends allow me to also right the wrongs I may continue to make. It is freedom from behaviors that do not live up to the new life in sobriety I am choosing to live. It is not a time to make excuses for our behavior instead, it’s an open door for the wronged person to express themselves. They get the opportunity to express how my actions affected them.

• You don’t have to be the best son or daughter, and you don’t need to be an ideal parent, but you need to show up when you make promises to do so.
• Eventually you will find you are making amends day by day through the positive actions you routinely take in living by Twelve Step principles.
• In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions like donating money, volunteering our time or providing care.
• Living amends refers to the ways in which you change how you live your life in recovery or “walking our talk.” These changes affirm your commitment to the direct or symbolic amends you made with others.

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State how you are taking personal responsibility for the hurt you’ve caused. Making amends means apologizing but also goes one step further—doing everything in your power to repair the damage, restore the relationship, and/or, replace what you took. If you’re writing a letter, whether sending or sharing it in person, spend some time reflecting on and sharing the actions you’re taking to redress the wrong(s) https://ecosoberhouse.com/article/relation-between-alcohol-and-dementia/ done. Making amends requires the individual to correct their mistake.

You can’t erase the past, but with long-term sobriety, you can rebuild trust, repair relationships, and be close to your loved ones again. Living amends can take a lot of time but can be some of the most rewarding. Taking these actions helps us to separate ourselves from the disease of addiction. We come to understand that we are good people with a bad disease.

Making amends is a testament to the resilience and strength of the human spirit. It demonstrates the capacity for growth, redemption, and the ability to transcend the limitations of one’s past. In early recovery, parents might feel pressured to make up for lost time and experiences. We’ve had a spiritual awakening, and we suddenly want to fit as much as possible into each day—and we want to quickly repair all the harm we caused during active addiction. Undoubtedly, you, too, have a list of ways in which you want to live out your living amends, and that’s great! The more personalized your lifestyle changes are, the more they’re going to resonate and stick with you.

Soon, you’ll run out of reasons to give your loved ones why you’ve failed them once again. Apologies can only go so far in repairing past pain, but it’s a place where you need to begin to heal. Make a list of everyone you’ve made promises to that you didn’t fulfill, the people you’ve lied to, stolen from, or hurt in any way because of who you used to be, and apologize sincerely.

One of the best ways you can make long-lasting changes to your relationships is by being true to your word. Essentially, don’t make promises that you can’t keep and do everything you can to live up to the promises you do make. The unfortunate truth is that we’re all human and we all fall short sometimes. However, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed at your new, honest and sober lifestyle. You can still be true to that living amends by making an honest apology and not making excuses for why you didn’t follow through. Then, the next time around, make sure to make good on your word.

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It took time for us to emerge from our chrysalis fully committed to recovery, and the people around us are entitled to go through the process without being rushed. All we can do is get sober, be the best person we can be and, above all, be patient. After all, years of drug or alcohol abuse will not be undone with an apology or a few simple words. We need to prove to our children that we are seriously addressing our addiction, not just offering cheap words. Sometimes, you may not have the opportunity to make direct amends to the person you harmed.

You may also have the opportunity in the future to make more direct amends with certain people in time. However, this future possibility should not keep you from working your steps. Other individuals who have completed Step 9, such as your sponsor, may be able to help you choose a meaningful way to make indirect amends. The amends I made to her was admitting my wrongs and shortcomings due to my addiction. My living amends is being the son she deserves–someone who will do for her as she has always done for me. On the opposite side of the street are those individuals who simply say, “All of my amends would hurt people.